Wednesday Weapons Website of the Week: The Five Bravo

OK, this has absolutely zip to do with weapons. It’s another t-shirt company by combat vets with a sense of humor, 5 Bravo. (Well, one of the founders was a “small arms specialist” in the Army. Does that count?

The name at first puzzled us. Why “5 Bravo?” There’s an explanation on the site, it turns out.

“Embrace The Bravo” – ETB is the slogan for 5B in a very realistic standpoint. 5B originally meant bullets, bacon, beards, babes, and booze. Now the “Embrace The Bravo” movement has become so much more.

Hmmm… sounds like they’re selling t-shirts. NTTAWWT.

Here, they bust America’s smallest Stolen Valor case.

They also enjoy trolling trolls on Facebook right back. But mostly, they sell apparel, the sort that, well, we wore in Young Grunt Days, which are long behind us.

If you’re still a Young Grunt (or young at heart) you might just want some of these t-shirts.

But we get to the site every once in a while for the laughs. Most of the humor is in the “From the Inbox” section where they conduct countertroll operations. They explain:

As you may know, at 5B, we get a lot of hate mail in our inbox. We get a lot of awesome, motivational and uplifting mail as well, but you don’t wanna look at that. This is what makes us, us. Every day we scour through hundreds of messages hunting trolls for your humor and satire loving pleasure. We are experts in the craft of “Trolling the trolls” so every chance we get, we offer you these screenshots on a silver platter for your entertainment. People always ask us “5B, why don’t you put the names in there with them?” We believe in humor, not harm. We aren’t here to be negative or make anyone’s life harder. we just want to give laughs to millions of people as we do so well. Below, we have archived and will continue to post these EPIC troll messages in our “From the Inbox” section. We love the support, the comments and shares, so keep them coming and always “Embrace The Bravo”

This one is mildly NSFW.

One more such after the jump (not before because it’s full of NSFW lingo).


No, that’s not what he’s going to do… punk.


(For the non-USians among us, JROTC is the “Junior Reserve Officer Training Corps,” which is a kind of pseudo-cadet program for kids in high school. We say “pseudo” because it doesn’t really lead to anything, but lots of kids get something good out of it. We now return you to countertroll operations in progress. -Ed.)

“It’s not faaaair!” The war cry of the precious millennial snowflake. He wouldn’t be the first guy to have his bad attitude, fed by a mistaken assumption of anonymity on the net, flipped back around on him.

Jiu-jitsu. It’s not just for the physical world any more.

24 thoughts on “Wednesday Weapons Website of the Week: The Five Bravo

  1. redc1c4

    as a troll of trolls myself, and a veteran of the Usenet Flame Wars on various military blogs back in the day, i have to say this is 5()m3 !33T t4ooLng!

    it’s always a pleasure to see a master ply their craft. ;-)

    “Enlisted men are stupid, but extremely cunning and sly, and deserve considerable watching.”

    US Army Officers Guide

    1. Sam Helm

      That quote was also used by the Navy, and is generally attributed to John Paus Jones. Either way, it gives a good idea of what the zeros think of the rest of us.

  2. DSM

    Their current & ongoing is with some chick calling herself Harmony who is spending her father’s money to support her friends. They called the guy and interviewed him. It was pretty darn funny.

    1. Clarence Chen

      Yep. Another Bernie (chick, in this case) it seems. ‘Everything should be free’ communists are so 1920’s. According to my grandparents, when they tried communism in China, didn’t go so well.

      1. Hognose Post author

        Funny thing. Last night I was reading some of the Yale University Press series on the American Communists, and it’s pretty clear that the USSR owned them down to their jockstraps… including the contents. A lot of starry-eyed idealists like that ill-educated chick passed through the Party, but if one stuck around for five years he knew he was working for Stalin, Khrushchev, or whomever, and he was cool with it.

        I frequently encounter Americans who point to China’s relative prosperity today and tell me that raising a starvation-poor agrarian nation into modernity couldn’t have been done without Mao’s iron hand. OK, explain Taiwan, Hong Kong, Japan (which was only a military dictatorship for ~20 years that brought ruin, and has been a constitutional monarchy with significant personal freedom before and after that), South Korea, Malaysia. And China was still nearly as poor as North Korea before Deng’s reforms. Vietnam was as poor as China before it imitated those same reforms.

        And I encounter young people who tell me that the historic failures of state socialism (whether of the international or national variety) are because they didn’t rilly rilly believe and try hard enough. I blame Disney for all these silly notions that wishing upon a star (a red star, in this case) can make your dreams come true.

        1. John M.

          Careful, Hognose. comparing governments may reveal that representative democracy may not, in fact, be the ideal form of government. In fact, at least two of the countries on your list were authoritarian regimes for a major portion of their economic growth. Uh-oh.

          That, and, yes, it’s obvious now that the CPUSA was a wholly-owned subsidiary of the Soviets in Moscow. This country owes Joe McCarthy a big apology.

          -John M.

        2. Alan Ward

          My father in law doesn’t talk about his youth in China much, especially the time after WW2. Dad’s father had emigrated to Canada in the 1920’s and only returned to China for three 10 month visits over the next thirty years due to Canada’s immigration practices and the head tax. The visits coincided with his marriage and the siring of his three kids. When Canada closed Chinese immigration in the 1930’s Dad’s father never went back again.
          Dad has let slip a couple of things as to why he hates the PRC and the party. The first was that they executed his fourth uncle, who was the village head man, soon after the Koumintang fled to Taiwan. The fourth uncle basically raised Dad and his siblings as his own kids. Dad said the Communists hung the uncle and the rest of the village council because they opposed the seizure of private land. Every one got in line after that; pour encourage les autres.
          The second thing he let slip was that he had to sit down to tea with the son of one of the executioners when Dad took the whole family back to China for their first visit in the spring of 1986.
          My wife said they were all in a little room with these three old guys and that she and her sister were told to drink and not speak.
          When my wife told me about it she wondered why Dad gave each of the old guys a red envelope and why Dad bought four TVs but only gave two to the remnants of the family left in the village. I politely explained things to her and said it was probably a good thing I had been in university and couldn’t go on the trip with the, as my big mouth would have gotten us all in trouble.
          Every time some little left wing twit like Harmony speaks up about how great socialism or communism is I think I’d love to have you talk to Dad or some of his relatives about where the rubber meets the road.

    2. Hognose Post author

      Yeah, I’m thinking there’s some tritones creating discord in Harmony’s life right about now.

      ETA: for those of you who did not complete a music minor, a tritone is the specific combination of two notes most unpleasing to the ear. It is a base note and a second note three whole tones higher, like C to F# or A to E flat. (It’s also called a flatted fifth or augmented fourth). It’s used a lot in jazz and classical, but the ear expects it to resolve to a less unpleasant interval like the natural fifth. / pontification

        1. S

          Hognose truly is a renaissance man, and disproves redc1c4’s purloined quote….not all of them are stupid, which means you watch them all the more.

          1. Kirk

            There was an addendum on that old advice, addressing the reason they bear considerable watching…

            Often, that’s the only way the commissioned side of the house can get any input from actual adults with common sense.

      1. Alan Ward

        That one was FuCking epic. kept me in stitches for days.
        i always did wonder how her poor benighted kid made out?

  3. Clarence Chen

    While part of me is obviously quite amused that such idiots would do such stupid things, another part of me is always quite sad that even in this day and age of unparalleled access to information, some people still remain ignorant. At this point, I think it may be intentional. But alas, it is a skewed sample size, and there are plenty of good people left in this country and throughout the world, as said by the Bravo’s themselves.

  4. Jim Scrummy

    Well my productivity for today is heading for the toilet now that I’ve started to read “From The 5b Inbox”. Too dam funny. This is Yoda master troll level. I may have to buy a shirt too!

  5. Badger

    Don’t know how JROTC is now. it did get me an E2’s pay thru basic, PFC at the end, which led to SP4 shortly after getting out of AIT. Better than any of that, however, was the chance to shoot in alot of smallbore rifle competition, qualify with an M1 which made the later M14 sight system not a foreign thing, do some serious land-nav at (then) Ft Irwin every summer and (unfortunately), as a senior, fire way too many volleys over graves at Forest Lawn. Maybe each HS was different; our retired SFC 11B was a little Gurkha I think & would likely have been QMP’d out or something nowadays for not keeping an inventory of diapers around.

  6. James Sullivan

    I love their Zero Fucks Given approach (especially on the Unfaithful edition). Not as funny as the others but it needed to be done.

    But I’ve been LOLing all evening with From the 5B Inbox.

  7. Aesop

    You’ve sent us there before, haven’t you?
    I remembered Helicopter Army Mom, but the updates were well worth it.
    And the d-bag snowflake living off rich daddy was epic.

    The fact that these guys have essentially opened up an insult booth on the FB branch of the internet, and 1 out of 1000 people there are not just willing, but eager to stop in and punch themselves in the face, demonstrates that a given percentage of people’s children are alive simply because it’s illegal to smother them in their sleep.

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