Banned in Boston: Death Rays and Phasers

Marvin and his Illudium PU-36 Space Modulator are Banned in Boston

Marvin the Martian and his Illudium PU-36 Space Modulator are Banned in Boston

We are not making this up. The State of Massachusetts, ground zero for the world hoplophobia movement, has banned any “weapon from which an electrical current, impulse, wave or beam is designed to incapacitate temporarily, injure or kill.” That’s clearly a ban on death rays and phasers, just in case they might be invented! It would also seem to cut off any possibility of some citizen militia arming up with photon torpedoes and phased pulse rifles in the 40 megawatt range. Men of Northeast Shooters Forum, you have been warned: govern yourselves accordingly.

Invent a working example of any of these, and you get 2½ years in the State House of Correction, with all the pervos and hardened prestoopniks (like two of the last three heads of the State Senate, for instance).

Now, while the wise legislators (heh) of the Massachusetts General Court have ensured that the rabble in such dodgy places as Lexington and Concord aren’t amassing pulse cannons and storing hogsheads of electrons for potential insurrection, the law does make an exception for such of the King’s servants as are required to enforce the King’s Peace upon His bumptious subjects. Straight outta the statute (emphasis ours):

No person shall possess a portable device or weapon from which an electrical current, impulse, wave or beam may be directed, which current, impulse, wave or beam is designed to incapacitate temporarily, injure or kill, except: (1) a federal, state or municipal law enforcement officer, or member of a special reaction team in a state prison or designated special operations or tactical team in a county correctional facility, acting in the discharge of his official duties who has completed a training course approved by the secretary of public safety in the use of such a devise….

Yes, they misspelled “device” in the statute book. Morons.

And there’s another exception, for the suppliers of the King’s servants (and here they resume spelling “device” right):

or (2) a supplier of such devices or weapons designed to incapacitate temporarily, if possession of the device or weapon is necessary to the supply or sale of the device or weapon within the scope of such sale or supply enterprise. No person shall sell or offer for sale such device or weapon, except to federal, state or municipal law enforcement agencies.

Anything else, while we’re banning science-fiction weaponry?

A device or weapon sold under this section shall include a mechanism for tracking the number of times the device or weapon has been fired.

Sure, because if you’re going to ban future weapons you might as well imbue the ones used by your servants with futuristic capabilities!

The secretary of public safety shall adopt regulations governing who may sell or offer to sell such devices or weapons in the commonwealth and governing law enforcement training on the appropriate use of portable electrical weapons.

Government: full employment for all the kids from the Special class. Think of the numbers of people who write these regulations, and thank a merciful God that they are not embedded in some company that is doing something productive, hardening its arteries and reducing its employees’ mean IQ.

25 thoughts on “Banned in Boston: Death Rays and Phasers

  1. KS Gunner

    I am curious as to how this squares with Tasers and Stun Guns having been found to be protected under the 2nd Amendment, which this is clearly a reaction to since that case was from the land of the Massholes.

  2. Cap'n Mike

    They cant wait for stuff to be invented to ban it.

    I dare any DA in Mass to convict anyone with that law.

    SCOTUS made it how they felt about it last March.

    Anytime I feel overwhelmed by the Tyranny of this state, I read the

    My favorite quotes

    “A State’s most basic responsibility is to keep its people safe. The Commonwealth of Massachusetts was either unable or unwilling to do what was necessary to protect Jaime Caetano, so she was forced to protect herself. To make matters worse, the Commonwealth chose to deploy its prosecutorial resources to prosecute and convict her of a criminal offense for arming herself with a nonlethal weapon that may well have saved her life. The Supreme Judicial Court then affirmed her conviction on the flimsiest of grounds. ”


    “If the fundamental right of self-defense does not protect Caetano, then the safety of all Americans is left to the mercy of state authorities who may be more concerned about disarming the people than about keeping them safe.”

    Alito described Massachusetts Government to a T.
    It gives me a warm fuzzy feeling every time I read it..

  3. JAFO

    On close reading, it looks to me like ‘electrical’ qualifies ‘current, impulse, wave or beam’, so I would suggest that non electrical science fiction weapons have not yet been prohibited. Can anybody explain the principles of operation of phasers and light sabers?

  4. Keith

    Any day now they will ban hands, feet and the human brain, the five most dangerous weapons across history.

    1. LSWCHP

      Damn straight. I’m a boxer, so hands in my case because I don’t do any of that kicking shit. Even without kicking or headbutting I know how to throw punches efficiently and effectively, dodge or deflect return blows and roll with the strikes that land. Now I just need to work on that brainpower but.

      As for the rest of this nonsense, I’m starting to understand where the “Massholes” thing comes from. There are obviously deranged people running the state.

    2. JAFO

      In Massachusetts, the crime of assault and battery with a dangerous weapon already includes ‘shod foot’.

      1. 175jfs

        Past case law in Massachusetts has ruled sneakers, sandals, flip-flops are not a “shod foot.” Keep that in mind. What a screwed up state.

  5. Bert

    How about my explosively driven EMP generator? Doesn’t harm PEOPLE directly, unless they have a pacemaker… But having all the un hardened electrical equipment in the neighborhood die at once may have a poor effect on folk’s survival.

    Oh yes, of. Ourse, explosively driven makes these a non starter in MA. Since the explosive materials are illegal, no one there has any…

    1. John M.

      Depending on how you read the law, spud guns already require licensure in Mass. I’d be astonished if rail guns weren’t in the statute someplace.

      -John M.

  6. DJ

    incapacitate temporarily


    prevent from functioning in a normal way.


    lasting, existing, serving, or effective for a time only; not permanent

    And how do we classify the beam of a really bright flashlight, shined into a person’s eyes, in this law?

    1. jim

      well put. if I have read this steaming pile correctly, that does seem to be a point. especially those flashlights that strobe.

  7. Sabrina Chase

    This is clearly anti-Martian prejudice at work! So much for the vaunted liberal doctrine of tolerance and acceptance of differing cultural mores. Disintegrating enemies is a cherished tradition for the Martian people!

  8. Docduracoat

    Does anybody remember why Marvin the Martian wants to destroy the Earth?
    Because it is blocking his view of Venus!

    1. 11B-Mailclerk

      “Where’s the Kaboom? There was supposed to be an Earth-shattering Kaboom.”

      Note, this is not the approved thing to say for various misfires on Army ranges.

  9. James

    I have heard of and seen the Q-36 explosive space modulator but the PU-36?A illudium space modulator?Have I missed a classic Marvin episode,if so,please let me know,thought I saw em all.

    I would also like to ask,will their soon be a “build article” on such said device?

  10. Loren

    We had a lab at the University of Colorado back in the late 60’s that made CO2 lasers of sufficient power to instantly fry most anything organic and punch holes in metal, but they certainly were not portable. Nice invisible beam that you really had to “look” out for.
    We heard rumors from various attached military types that lasers in the 500KW had been developed. Always figured it was only a matter of time before Buck Rogers was here in a flying something with a ray gun on the front. Then physics intervened.
    Reality sucks.
    Still want the flying car though.

  11. Aesop

    Yeah, this was just going after strobing flashlights, tasers, and other stun guns, while attempting to be future-forward broad in scope. Not actually banning ray-guns, except accidentally.

    But clearly, exactly like Londonistan, they’ll take up legislation outlawing rocks and pointed sticks next, as all that’s left.
    With the dwindling dearth of print media, even rolled up newspapers are becoming impossible to find and wield.

    At the rate they’re going, the mob will have to use battery-powered flickering torches and blunted pitchforks, and haul a wind-driven tumbrel cart, come the day of reckoning.
    Which, I suspect, is the point.

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