Hognose’s Laws

Rembrandt_Harmensz._van_Rijn_079Hognose is not just another pretty face. He is also a law-giver, in the tradition of Hammurabi, Moses, Napoleon, Newton, Murphy, and Peter. It strikes us that there are enough of these laws that they ought by rights to be collected in a single place; for now, it is this Post. If more Laws are revealed unto him by the ultimate Giver of All Laws, then perhaps we shall make it a permanent Page.

Without further ado, the Codex Nasicus:

  • Hognose’s Law of Wars of Identity: Defines the possible outcomes of a “War of Identity” — a war where the two sides are not fighting over anything material, but over what one or both of them are A War of Identity™ has three potential conclusions:
    1. One side defeats and exterminates the other;
    2. One side defeats and assimilates the other;
    3. The war reaches an Equilibrium of Violence that is acceptable to both sides.Previous citations: 1 Nov 2013 at 1100 (this has the most thorough explanation); 7 Feb 2014 at 2311; 28 Oct 2015 at 1800.
  • Hognose’s Law of Hyphenated Names: A person with a hyphenated last name cannot display more than half the effective IQ that they would have available if they were using either half of the name. (Exception: if your ancestors actually show up hyphenated in more than one Queen Victoria’s Birthday Honours Lists. In that case, you’re still dumb, but nobly so).
  • Hognose’s Five Laws of Criminality:
    1. For some men, “crime” is just flat their job. For others, “criminal” is their identity. Good luck expecting anything different from them.
    2. The best guide to future behavior is past behavior. (Exercise for the reader: What 8-year-old in your third grade class was definitely destined for prison? How old was he when he first went?)
    3. The only thing that has ever made a child molester stop doing it is sustained cessation of respiration, blood flow, and brain wave activity. This is true for a lot of sex criminals, too. (Real ones, not guys who said something nasty about a fat chick at their college).
    4. No one ever stops after one crime. He only stops when he is stopped.
    5. Most crimes go unsolved, but all criminals get caught sooner or later.

First seen here on 2 July 14 @ 1400.

15 thoughts on “Hognose’s Laws

  1. Y.

    The only thing that has ever made a child molester stop doing it is sustained cessation of respiration, blood flow, and brain wave activity. This is true for a lot of sex criminals, too. (Real ones, not guys who said something nasty about a fat chick at their college).

    Castration has been found to result in 2.3% re-offense rate in violent sexual offenders.
    So that law is generally not true.

    Testosterone is a helluva drug. Women who try it for the first time admit that afterwards they finally understand why men are the way they are..

    1. staghounds

      Reoffenses are the ones we know about, aren’t they?

      I’m going to dispute criminality a bit.

      There are good pedophiles (and good firebugs, and good kleptomaniacs) who, because of empathy and/or fear, never act on what they want. Probably not many, but who could ever know what lurks in the hearts of men? Who would have thought so many “good murderers” walked around in Germany or Rwanda before history showed us?

      And there are some criminals who stop uncaught- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Unidentified_serial_killers

      I’m one of them! http://staghounds.blogspot.com/2006/04/my-felony-crime.html

  2. Haxo Angmark

    no. The bigger the criminal, the more likely it dies a natural death. They are called politicians. Though I did hear an interesting theory – with some supportive facts – last night on Coast-to-Coast radio that Frank the Cripple with brain tumor actually shot hisself. As Brother Woodrow’s Navy Sec., he got a close view of Edith Wilson’s not-too-successful Presidency during Woodrow’s extended expiration, and thus decided to preempt Eleanor

  3. looserounds.com

    good stuff. I have a few uncollected , unorganized rules and maxims. some that I came up with, and some adopted from others, example

    1. Shawn’s rule of accuracy testing rifles handloads. The proof is on the target paper not the chronograph
    2. Shawn’s rule of learning to shoot long range. At a certain point, you have to put the books down and get to the range

    misc.
    A savage rifle is like a fat chick. It will do the same things as a skinny chick but you dont want your friends to see you with it,

    A 1911 that you need to use, not in condition 1 may as well be left at home.

    man who goes looking for trouble fines it

    A man that runs through a strange door, might end up getting carried back out of it

    and one I adopted from the “Rumsfields rules”

    “A problem that has no immediate solution may not be a problem at all , but a fact. something to be coped with over time ”

    and a lot of other bullshit I mot likely annoy all my friends by saying

  4. gbob

    What about
    “Where animals are worshipped, humans are sacrificed”
    Thats one of my favorites. So true

  5. DaveP.

    Dave’s Laws:

    First law: Never rescue a princess who owns a dragon ranch.

    Second law: Always check the stupid stuff first. ( e.g. If the breakdown in question was caused by a once-in-a-million-years stellar conjunction, nobody will blame you for missing it. . If the breakdown was caused by you not tightening the big red wingnut with “Tighten Me!” signage on it, you’re a clown.

    Third law: Every conspiracy theory starts with a bollixed investigation.

    Fourth law: You an tell a lot about a cause (person, leader, et cetera) by looking at the amount of bull they have to sell to get their point across.

  6. Fuel Filter.

    “The maximum range of wishes and prayers: zero feet.”

    “Karma is a bitch, but vengeance is a stud.”

    “Strong evil beats weak good every time.”

    “Better to be paranoid and alive than dead and gullible.”

    “A misogynist is just a man who hates women as much as women do.”

    1. Cap'n Mike

      “A misogynist is just a man who hates women as much as women do.”

      Im going to wright that one down.

  7. Cap'n Mike

    Great Post Hognose.

    The old posts you linked to are excellent also.
    You should tie back in to past posts whenever possible.
    There is some real gold their.

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