When Guns are Outlawed, Outlaws Will Have Their Own Bodies


We’ve all seen this before: the Look. The Look of Bat Guano Crazy!

Turns out there are some social problems you just can’t solve with a gun ban. Case in point:

Amber Ellis was arrested for maiming and assault with a dangerous weapon.

Relatively uncommon, a woman busted for violent crime, but it happens. Was it the ready accessibility of handguns in our trigger-happy society? Read on:

According to the police report, the victim said he and his girlfriend were out drinking and began arguing while walking home “about how needy she had become.”  The couple verbally fought in the apartment until the victim told police Ellis stormed off, slamming the bedroom door.

So far this doesn’t sound that unfamiliar. Most couples have had arguments. But most arguments don’t go here: 

Police say the victim fell asleep on the couch only to wake up to find Ellis “biting his (penis) off.”

jawsIIEven with the implication that Judgment Juice was a factor, this is pretty outrageous. We’ve treated women badly enough (or pushed their buttons badly enough, perhaps) to really irritate them, but the closest we got was a redhead throwing things — a rolling pin (that was a 50’s-sitcom moment); a rosewood Telecaster (she was a strong girl).

But in the War Between the Sexes, it seems like there ought to be some convention analogous to the Customary International Humanitarian Law proceeding from the 1868 St. Petersburg Declaration, about “the employment of arms which uselessly aggravate the sufferings of… men,” or the 1899 and subsequent Hague prohibitions on “methods of warfare of a nature to cause superfluous injury or unnecessary suffering.”

The victim told police he fought Ellis off but she hit him in the head with a laptop computer.

That sounds more like our redhead. But even she’d agree that an incisor-applied sex change is some kind of Geneva Relationship Convention violation.

Once hospitalized, the victim received several stitches to the base of his penis and was treated for injuries to his head, face, neck, fingers and knee.

Our guess is that, as word of this gets around, being beaten up and nearly Bradley Manning’d by  his last girl is not going to make him more appealing to the female of the species. For that, he’d have to have beaten her up.

Ellis was taken into custody for an interview and ultimately booked into the Tulsa County Jail.

At that point, about the only thing she could have done that would have done her any good was to clam up and lawyer up. Regardless of what the friendly policeman says, a trip to the station and a chance to tell “your side of the story” is not what it sounds like, it’s your opportunity to increase the solidity of their case against you. But we get the impression that Amber was not operating entirely on a solidly rational basis during this misadventure.

Some more details and a video report are available at KRJH, Channel 2, Tulsa, for those inclined to Read The Whole Thing™.

17 thoughts on “When Guns are Outlawed, Outlaws Will Have Their Own Bodies

  1. Y.

    Our guess is that, as word of this gets around, being beaten up and nearly Bradley Manning’d by his last girl is not going to make him more appealing to the female of the species. For that, he’d have to have beaten her up.

    A couple of years in the slammer makes someone more attractive to women? I don’t think the DA would let him get away with more than getting away from her, or possibly flooring her.

    1. Hognose Post author

      It’s hard as hell to prosecute domestic cases, when the victim will not cooperate. And a lot of times, the victim won’t cooperate. If there was physical evidence, photographs of bruises or something, then the DA has something to work with. But if it’s he-said-she-said and she won’t say, he’s gonna walk every time.

      1. Y.

        True, but also in many places if there’s a domestic case they almost always arrest or remove the man, even though he wasn’t the perpetrator.

        Violence against men is often ignored, even though apparently men and women do it equally frequently, at least in the US. (http://time.com/2921491/hope-solo-women-violence/)
        Most violent demographics are apparently lesbians, for some reason. Almost half experience it, compared to a third of straight people and quarter of straight men.

        There’s a video of a well-known experiment on youtube, in which two students acted out ‘domestic’ violence in public. If a man was hitting a woman, intervention was swift. The other way around, it was just ignored.

        What I’ve read is that unless she’s unmarked and you’ve got up, there’s little chance of her getting charges instead of you. At least in most of the developed world..

        1. Hognose Post author

          Increasingly, the US practice is, when the cops get called to a domestic, both parties are going to jail. After that the prosecutors and courts have a bias (or maybe reflect a general societal bias) against men in domestic cases.

          The root of that bias, of course, is sexual dimorphism. There may be guys that let their women beat ’em up, but I’ve never known a guy who needed all his strength to rassle with his female. Women who are extreme athletes may be stronger than some men, but they tend to wind up paired with athletic men.

  2. Jim

    Tip of the Day: Never tell a woman she’s too needy. Or to calm down. Either won’t necessarily prompt her to try and bite your Johnson off, but will definitely provoke a reaction you won’t like.

    1. Hognose Post author

      “Get a grip!” also has a different effect on the female of the species, than it does on one of your buddies. Don’t ask how I know this.

    2. AndyN

      According to research done at UC Berkeley, marriages are happier when wives are able to calm down quickly during marital conflicts. I can’t test this theory myself, but for any of you guys who are still married, I think the key is to not just tell your wife to calm down, tell her if she understood science she’d know she needed to calm down to be happy.

      1. obsidian

        The main factor is the presence of another woman or women at the place she goes to calm down.
        If the woman has one or more sisters the calm down period is useless.

    3. obsidian

      Simply adding, “you are too needy, BUT I love that about you”, makes all the difference in the world.
      Makes them more needy though.
      Best bet is to smile and STFU.

  3. Oberndorfer

    … the victim received
    several stitches to the base of his penis…

    Highly questionable, this.


    The tl;dr:

    … Penile bites have been
    reported to transmit many serious infections
    such as Streptococcal toxic shock syndrome
    [ 19 ] and Fournier’s gangrene.[ 20 ]

    … Usually, human bites are
    contaminated wounds and are thus closed
    by delayed primary or secondary suturing.
    [ 30 ] A prospective cohort study by Chen et
    al. demonstrated that primary closure of bite
    wounds is associated with higher rates of
    infection (6%) as compared with other
    sutured wounds in the same institution.

    DIY tips:

    The first step in management is
    cleansing of the wound and irrigation with
    saline, 1% povidone iodine or tap water at
    body temperature in a 20 ml or larger
    syringe and a 19-gauge needle, which will
    provide a high-pressure jet that serves to
    reduce the bacterial inoculum and debride
    the wound.

    Adhesive strips and a
    delayed surgical closure may be performed.

    1. Oberndorfer

      And as always,
      prevention is better than therapy.

      So pick up some flowers for Her at the gas station, regulary and not only on Valentine’s Day, just because and for no special reason.

      Makes Her happy and we’ll never understand why.

      Special hint: barter a good price for the less pristine ones, will do the trick regardless.

  4. AndyN

    You write about how he’s likely to do with other women as if you believe he’s done with this one. Some guys see the sweet spot on the crazy/hot curve in a very different place than most of us. I wouldn’t be entirely surprised to see those two names show up together on future police blotters.

  5. obsidian

    Rule Number 1.
    The word “Fine” as the last word from your female spouse does not mean “fine” nor is it the last word or the end of the argument.

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