Every once in a while, one of these stories comes along that just defies synopsis. This is one of those stories, one which exists in the strange intersection of a dysfunctional family and an oversupply of -OH radicals in the bloodstream.
A Burien [Washington] man accused of biting off his father’s eyebrow after turning unruly on a drive home from a family wedding has been charged with assault.
King County prosecutors contend Joel Salmeron-Ciprian chomped on his father after the older man pulled over because of his son’s behavior. Salmeron-Ciprian, 30, has been charged with second-degree assault.
According to charging papers, Salmeron-Ciprian’s father was driving his inebriated son and other relatives home from a wedding at 7:45 p.m. on Dec. 1 when he was forced to stop the car.
King County deputy sheriffs arrived to find Salmeron-Ciprian pinned to the ground by his father, who was bleeding from the face. As it turned out, his right eyebrow was missing.
Salmeron-Ciprian fought with deputies, one of whom shocked him with a stun gun, according to charging papers.
Interviewing witnesses, deputies were told Salmeron-Ciprian was drunk and shouting at his father during the ride home. The older man stopped the car after his son tried to grab him from the rear seat of the truck; a fight ensued after the men exited the truck.
Medics responded to the scene and took the older man to the hospital. Deputies arrested Salmeron-Cirprian, who remained irate.
Having threatened to kick the “ass” of one deputy, Salmeron-Ciprian also threatened jail staff, a detective said in charging papers.
“I’m going to eat your face too,” he said, according to charging papers.
Threatening to kick the ass of the arresting officer is always a bad idea, but it comes up frequently when suspects have been hitting the Judgment Juice pretty hard. The reason it’s a bad idea is that, while you may succeed in kicking the ass of one deputy, just about the time you’re basking in the satisfaction of a job well done the rest of his shift shows up spoiling for a fight (and usually all the adjacent and overlapping jurisdictions, too). Thing is, nothing makes a cop show up faster than the thought of taking hold of some wannabe cop-beater and conducting some live tissue training with his PR-24. (Or hers — copchicks sometimes like to show they can swing hickory as well as the guys, and with the average criminal’s luck, he probably looks like the deadbeat who owes her six years child support, and had an affair with her sister).
So the threat to kick a deputy’s or cop’s ass is usually nothing but a ticket into the Hall of Hematoma, noncompliant suspect division.
Threatening to eat the cop’s face — now, that’s a new one on us. (We’ve heard corrections officers hear this from time to time, but most street punks don’t have the imagination to think things like that up on the fly. Neither do the cons, but they have a lot of free time to work up insults). However, we can’t imagine this turning out any better for the suspect, especially if he still has a mouthful of some other chap’s (in this case, his father’s) face.
Actually we don’t know what happened to the missing eyebrow. We leave speculation as an exercise for the reader.