When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have teeth

JawsEvery once in a while, one of these stories comes along that just defies synopsis. This is one of those stories, one which exists in the strange intersection of a dysfunctional family and an oversupply of -OH radicals in the bloodstream.

A Burien [Washington] man accused of biting off his father’s eyebrow after turning unruly on a drive home from a family wedding has been charged with assault.

King County prosecutors contend Joel Salmeron-Ciprian chomped on his father after the older man pulled over because of his son’s behavior. Salmeron-Ciprian, 30, has been charged with second-degree assault.

According to charging papers, Salmeron-Ciprian’s father was driving his inebriated son and other relatives home from a wedding at 7:45 p.m. on Dec. 1 when he was forced to stop the car.

King County deputy sheriffs arrived to find Salmeron-Ciprian pinned to the ground by his father, who was bleeding from the face. As it turned out, his right eyebrow was missing.

Salmeron-Ciprian fought with deputies, one of whom shocked him with a stun gun, according to charging papers.

Interviewing witnesses, deputies were told Salmeron-Ciprian was drunk and shouting at his father during the ride home. The older man stopped the car after his son tried to grab him from the rear seat of the truck; a fight ensued after the men exited the truck.

Medics responded to the scene and took the older man to the hospital. Deputies arrested Salmeron-Cirprian, who remained irate.

Having threatened to kick the “ass” of one deputy, Salmeron-Ciprian also threatened jail staff, a detective said in charging papers.

“I’m going to eat your face too,” he said, according to charging papers.

via Police: Backseat driving son bit off dad’s eyebrow – SFGate.

Threatening to kick the ass of the arresting officer is always a bad idea, but it comes up frequently when suspects have been hitting the Judgment Juice pretty hard. The reason it’s a bad idea is that, while you may succeed in kicking the ass of one deputy, just about the time you’re basking in the satisfaction of a job well done the rest of his shift shows up spoiling for a fight (and usually all the adjacent and overlapping jurisdictions, too). Thing is, nothing makes a cop show up faster than the thought of taking hold of some wannabe cop-beater and conducting some live tissue training with his PR-24. (Or hers — copchicks sometimes like to show they can swing hickory as well as the guys, and with the average criminal’s luck, he probably looks like the deadbeat who owes her six years child support, and had an affair with her sister).

So the threat to kick a deputy’s or cop’s ass is usually nothing but a ticket into the Hall of Hematoma, noncompliant suspect division.

As if having your eyebrow gnawed off wasn't bad enough, medical science says….

As if having your eyebrow gnawed off wasn’t bad enough, medical science says….

Threatening to eat the cop’s face — now, that’s a new one on us. (We’ve heard corrections officers hear this from time to time, but most street punks don’t have the imagination to think things like that up on the fly. Neither do the cons, but they have a lot of free time to work up insults). However, we can’t imagine this turning out any better for the suspect, especially if he still has a mouthful of some other chap’s (in this case, his father’s) face.

Actually we don’t know what happened to the missing eyebrow. We leave speculation as an exercise for the reader.

5 thoughts on “When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have teeth

  1. Stefan van der Borght

    Lol, deputies arrive to find naughty son pinned to ground by chewed-on pater. Good thing it wasn’t my Pa, they’d have been swabbing shreds of fool off the nearby trees after a stunt like that. The good thing about Daddy was, unless and until you transgressed the boundaries of civilisation, he was the perfect gentleman. Go the other way and you found more hurt than any barbarian could inflict, and always within proportion to the invitation. Probably this kind is more to be feared than the common brutes one hears about nowadays. Also, they tend to stop problems long before they become problems, and hence the unlikelihood of things ever descending to the level of the OP. That kind also figure large in the nightmares of other folks with evil intentions at the strategic scale, hence the war on the family and especially on fatherhood. They also tend to not fit well into regular army or civilian corporate life, but you WM-types probably know much more about that than I. Hope you’ve done your duty to your progeny and not witheld the rod of correction. Better in your hands early, than in someone else’s later. As for me, I’ll hold off procreating until I’m in a country where the fruit of my body is not counted as Staatseigentum. As an aside, do any of you veterans ever think your time pacifying barbarians on the empire’s border was wasted, since the scoundrels have long since entered the gates and have established themselves? Caesar fears his Praetorians most…and well he should.

  2. Aesop

    I have to figure that when, at the tender age of 30, your father still has the wherewithal to kick your ass, even given that one is too soused to be left in polite company, it’s probably time to change your last name, and move 15 states away for a few decades.

    Drunk and disorderly, multiple assaults on police officers, and making terroristic threats should be good for some small number of years to reconsider life choices, and I doubt the parents can be counted on for visitor’s day.

    But once again, this mainly proves that Cops should have been sponsored by nothing but distilleries. Without a jumpstart from a jug or three of Instant A$$hole, police work in much of America devolves back to a cross between an episode of Andy Griffith, and a raucous Saturday night in Geneva or Bern.

  3. Bill K

    Curious that you should include a table of oral bacteria.

    I would submit that the table doesn’t quite do justice to the nasty nature of human bites – widely known as the most terrible bite to suffer from a microbiological perspective. In the average human mouth, at any one particular time are 600+ different bacterial species, and human saliva has more than 10^9 bacteria per gram – equivalent to feces.
    The post reminds me of those Biblical phrases (Mat 23:27) For you are like whitewashed tombs which on the outside appear beautiful, but inside they are full of dead men’s bones and all uncleanness.
    And again (Rom 3:13), “Their throat is an open grave,
    With their tongues they keep deceiving,”
    “The poison of asps is under their lips”

    Taking just #4 on your list (Fusobacterium), consider Le Mierre’s Syndrome: some adolescent appears to get a garden-variety sore throat, and within a few days, he’s dead, because the bacterium entered the bloodstream from the tonsils, and rapidly caused a septic thrombosis of the internal jugular vein, and death from septic shock.

    1. Hognose Post author

      I wouldn’t have caught the spelling (or the syndrome). I’m good for medevacing a local when he has an abscess that has opened up a 4cm hole in his cheek, throwing a bunch of kerlix in a shrapnel wound, and stuff like that. Every person in the parts of most of the countries my teams visited after they pulled us out of Northern European war plans in 1994 had two chronic or parasitic diseases, at least, and most of them were the same old things that have been thinning the herd since arboreal apes began to cluster into towns and grow stuff in fields, like cholera and worms. In Southwest Asia, the poplar family trees produced by generations of cousin marriage are a factor, too.

      I was trying to find a good image of a human bite when I came across the table. It’s always interesting how bacteria who colonize one area of the human organism harmlessly (or even symbiotically) can cause all hell to break loose if they’re misplaced. Classic example e. coli and similar fecal-oral transmission paths.

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